25 essential things to know about Whipple

1. I have two tubes of toothpaste. I really only need one but it was one of those buy one get one free. I supposed I might as well go for it. Now I will never have to go to that store again.

2. When I was four I had some thing that I could push that would bounce some colored balls around in a plastic dome. I was pretty cool. If you see one around I would like to buy it. I miss that thing.

3. I have a houseplant and it never goes anywhere. At least not when I'm around. I respect loyalty and will gladly water anybody who is willing to put up with my shit.

4. My high school was painted in some horrible off yellow. It was a shade scientifically proven to extend people's attention span. I always carried a blue notebook so I could calm the fuck down.

5. Once told a girl that I loved her like the stars love the sky. She laughed her ass off.

6. Every summer my family would travel all the way to Missouri so I could solve my grandfather's Rubik's Cube. I don't know why he couldn't find anyone closer.

7. I used to play baseball with a duck.

8. I threw up in Wassila Alaska once. I really hope then mayor Sarah Palin saw it even though if that was the case and we ever met again I would no longer have anything to say to her.

9. I was once arrested for marijuana. I told the judge that I wouldn't pay the fine because the government had no right to tell me what to put in my body. He looked at me strange and gave me a new court date. I am still convinced that if everyone arrested for marijuana told the judge the same thing there would be no law against marijuana but stoners are lazy.

10. I used to fight a rooster with a trash can lid and a whiffle ball bat. I won every time. Still I got to admit nothing is more determined than an angry cock.

11. There was a Sunoco gas station down the street from our house. I could see their light outside my window. It sort of looked like a planet or some giant ship in the sky to me. I wanted to go there but it only looked cool from my window. It wasn't all that when we were actually there.

12. I have a degree in photography. If I had a better cellphone I could take your picture.

13. When I turned 28, my lover and her best friend threw a funeral party for me because I suppose to have been a rockstar and overdosed at 27.

14. I used to climb on the roof of fast food restaurants and steal their banners. I lit one on fire.

15. I really don't know right from left. I often push on doors that say “Pull” or say “hsuP”. I am still not sure what color my eyes are.

16. I bought some Volcano blend coffee at Trader Joe's because I was really hoping to be able to vomit lava at work.

17. My first song was called “Momma Took a Shit”.

18. I had Acid flashforwards when I was a child. Whenever I take LSD now I think, “I remember seeing this shit when I was five”.

19. I blacked out the last time I was in Mexico.

20. When I left Illinois, I fasted for five days in Moab Utah to get the taste out of my mouth.

21. I was horribly obsessed with water towers. I made my brother's girlfriend drive me out to the see them. I would be afraid if I was on top of one though. Once you start sliding you'd probably never stop.

22. When I was in sixth grade I didn't like my classmates or my class for that matter so I finished the rest of the text book one weekend. They put me in another class.

23. I was originally enrolled at SIU-C as a cinema major but back then we were still using stuff called "film" to make movies which was too expensive for me. Still, it is the only text book I have kept and I have a Bolex 8mm with two reels of "film".

24. My dog Dusty and I would always get lost in the woods though Dusty never thought he was lost because he knew where I was.

25. I am the Benjamin Button of dating. The older I get the younger my girlfriends are. I am not sure what that says about me but I doubt it is good.

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