Real Stimulus Idea Number One: Apocalypse NOW!!!

Nothing gets people's shopping on like the End of the World. Remember that Y2K hoax? Everybody grabbing water and survival gear apparently thinking that the tap on their sink was controlled by a Commodore Vic 20 that couldn't handle changes in Millennium.

This time we need to do things right. A full on Armageddon. Plenty of people already think Obama is the anti-Christ. If only he would just come out to say it (.... I mean is being the Anti-Christ an impeachable offense? Somehow I doubt it....).

Still... you know... our President has kids and all and maybe coming out of his Evil closet might not be the best political move. And it might not even work. Dick Cheney did that and no one even noticed.... or maybe that's why people voted for him. I get confused sometimes.

So how about a comet? We already have movies about comet-apocalypse so everyone already knows it is going to happen. I think I even heard of one coming by soon. It won't actually come close to hitting us but can't some NASA nerd make a little "miscalculation" to save our economy?

Comet-Apocalypse 2011 would bring in all kinds of money. We would have to build a cool new rocket and some sort of badass nuke. A special space suit for Bruce Willis. Maybe Sarah Palin can come up with an alternate plan in case the rocket fails. I am thinking of a bridge... a very long bridge..... so we can drive tanks up to the comet as a last resort. Space suits for Britney Spears and Rush Limbaugh too. Let's get these people off the planet for awhile. Britney can be our "cultural ambassador" in case we find alien life on the comet. She can explain to them that they need to accept being blown up and offer herself as an example of the human race which, of course, should be preserved. All this just in case these aliens have some sort of religion or something. Might as well break the news to them.... And Rush is just there in case the aliens need to sodomize someone.

This will work but we still need to make sure this is no ordinary end of the world. We need a RAPTURE. Animatronic ten headed dragon unleashed in Los Angeles. Send out fake reports of random disappearances. Build that fucking temple in Jerusalem. Let the Cubs win a World Series. Whatever it takes to get all these end gamer Jesus and Mohamed and whoever else freaks into a state of constant prayer. Just think what we could accomplish with all these assholes out of the way.

War on Terror?


Israel and Palestine?


What Republican Party?

God loses.

Thank God.

Just think of all the new jobs that would create. Yeah... maybe some of us will have to move to Utah because of the insane amount of open postions. We can keep them praying by posting a "Pray Meter" so they can see if they are all praying hard enough. We can just fix it so the needle stays between "Almost Heaven, West Virginia" and "Hell’s Bells".

Keep praying....

Oh what a wonderful world?! Gay cowboys riding across the movie screens in Salt Lake City.... getting married... People going to work… naked. Buying liquor, sex toys, bags of grass, and MDmA at the Wal-Mart. Who cares?

No one.

Keep praying....