only 499,997 more to go...
... before the Last Cold One goes Gold. I'm well on
my way with my first three sales (two in Alaska and one in Spain).
Now I'm inundated with all sorts of promoters offering services to get me on
the radio or in the press and thus making me wildly famous and rich. There
services can cost hundreds to thousands of dollars. That might be the new
way to make money in the music industry. With all the talentless wannabes
out there with homemade recordings and myspace accounts there is a huge and
oh so gullible market waiting to be exploited. I know I'm in the wrong end
of this business (being a worthless artist...) but, unfortunately, taking
advantage of people isn't really in my skill set.
Most of us musicians know of services like Sonicbids which deal out
promotions and whatnot for fees. Sometimes there's a legitimate offer out
there but a lot of it is just pure bullshit like an opportunity to spend
forty bucks for a chance to win the
opportunity to write a song with a
professional country songwriter. Whoopdeefuckindo. I'm not sure what
a professional country songwriter actually does to be honest but I have been
listening to the radio and I am well of the recipe for a country pop tune.
You start by consuming the greasiest and nastiest Taco Bell dinner and let
it simmer overnight in your bowels. Then, early the next morning, you squirt
it out of your ass into a cellophane bag, wrap it with an American flag, and
Fed Ex it to Nashville where a bunch of greased pigs will fight for the
right to force feed it to all the trailer trash of this great nation until
their ears bleed forcing them to run to Wal-Mart to purchase the filth on
compact disc along with Super Sized Combos for the whole family.
As far as the promotion deals I have been offered, it is unfortunate for
them that I am an educated consumer. I am well aware that I can turn to
Craigslist and get the same services for free. I'm sure I can save thousands
with a well placed ad in the m4m section. There I am certain I can find
somebody willing to bend me over a sawhorse and sodomize me free of charge.
I like to get more bang for my buck!