Friday, March 23, 2007

only 499,997 more to go...
Current mood: drunk

... before the Last Cold One goes Gold. I'm well on my way with my first three sales (two in Alaska and one in Spain).

Now I'm inundated with all sorts of promoters offering services to get me on the radio or in the press and thus making me wildly famous and rich. There services can cost hundreds to thousands of dollars. That might be the new way to make money in the music industry. With all the talentless wannabes out there with homemade recordings and myspace accounts there is a huge and oh so gullible market waiting to be exploited. I know I'm in the wrong end of this business (being a worthless artist...) but, unfortunately, taking advantage of people isn't really in my skill set.

Most of us musicians know of services like Sonicbids which deal out promotions and whatnot for fees. Sometimes there's a legitimate offer out there but a lot of it is just pure bullshit like an opportunity to spend forty bucks for a chance to win the opportunity to write a song with a professional country songwriter. Whoopdeefuckindo. I'm not sure what a professional country songwriter actually does to be honest but I have been listening to the radio and I am well of the recipe for a country pop tune. You start by consuming the greasiest and nastiest Taco Bell dinner and let it simmer overnight in your bowels. Then, early the next morning, you squirt it out of your ass into a cellophane bag, wrap it with an American flag, and Fed Ex it to Nashville where a bunch of greased pigs will fight for the right to force feed it to all the trailer trash of this great nation until their ears bleed forcing them to run to Wal-Mart to purchase the filth on compact disc along with Super Sized Combos for the whole family.

As far as the promotion deals I have been offered, it is unfortunate for them that I am an educated consumer. I am well aware that I can turn to Craigslist and get the same services for free. I'm sure I can save thousands with a well placed ad in the m4m section. There I am certain I can find somebody willing to bend me over a sawhorse and sodomize me free of charge. I like to get more bang for my buck!