Thursday, April 05, 2007

why you should support independent music
Current mood: drunk

First of all, you like music. I bet you're listening to some music right now either on your hard drive or your iPod or one of them old fashioned CD players. I imagine you're listening to something that is relatively independent too. You might even be listening to my music, but I doubt it. I bet you're listening to something cool instead.

Now turn on the radio. Go ahead and go through all the stations on your FM dial. Hear all that suck? I bet you're wondering why there is so much suck on the airwaves? I can tell you why. It is because the people who make good music are artists and the people that run radio stations are businessmen.  Now businessmen don't have any more talent than an artist has business sense so you can pretty much tell that there is something wrong with that whole arrangement already. Still, it gets worse. You see the only reason why a businessman would ever want to get involved in the dangerous and highly speculative music industry these days is because he is so void of talent that he has something called "talent envy".

That's right. Just like that cop with a small dick that tries to make up for it by packing the most ridiculously large side arm he can carry and beating the crap out of hippies, druggies, and homeless drunks whenever he can get away with it because he knows that they all have a much bigger dick than he does, the businessmen that run the music industry couldn't carry a tune in a bucket or even tell a Mozart symphony from a '67 Chevy with a bad muffler. They think that by being involved in the music industry, somehow talent and taste will rub off on them. It never does. So, of course, the businessmen continue to have no taste at all and if you don't support good music yourself and all the talented artists disappear from lack of interest, then those jokers will decide what music you can listen to. Go ahead, go through the dial one more time just to make sure. Still sucking?

Thought so.

Then there's the humanitarian service you do by supporting independent musicians. Let me tell you something that I have learned from direct experience. Musicians are fucking crazy. Do you think these people can assimilate into regular society and get a day job? Not likely. If they do find work it doesn't last long before that crazy stuff comes out and possibly endangers or, at least, confuses everybody in their working environment.

So what's left for a crazy underappreciated musical artist when you don't support them? It isn't pretty. History can give you some guidance. Forget the drug overdoses and suicides. Those are the happy endings. Do I really need to remind you that both David Koresh and Charles Manson were failed rockstars? Yes, forming a cult is the only realistic career for a failed musician. In fact, that is what I'm doing now. I have been using myspace to lure naive and emotionally damaged teenagers to a compound I'm building in the West Desert of Utah where the culture is more accepting of cults than places like Texas and California. Don't worry though. No one will get hurt in my cult. That is at least until the all the unwarranted devotion of my naked girls (no clothes are allowed!) and the frustration of being a failed rockstar combine with a chronically inadequate vegan diet and push me over the edge and I wake up one morning convinced that I am the Messiah. After which we will all march into the Salt Lake Mormon Temple armed and naked demanding tithing so I can avoid taking out a second mortgage on my compound.

So... Do yourself a favor buy some fucking good music before we all perish under a pile of Britney, Creed, Linkin' Park, Evanescence, and American Idol feces.