Of all relics currently being unearthed from the so called “21st Century” (actually years 0x80b46c80-0x80b77g80), perhaps one of the most interesting is the papers recently discovered at the archeological site known as the Mesa Municipal Dump. The astonishingly well preserved text attributed to Dante Allegheny perhaps offers some new insight as to what was going on at this very troubling time seven hundred years ago.


What we do know about that civilization is that it is was insanely selfish and greedy. They used an unbelievable amount of resources to produce a life style that was largely unfulfilling. We are, of course, well aware of the results of this abuse of the global resources. What is uncertain is why they trashed the Earth as if they were completely unaware that they lived there.


There have been several theories proposed that attempt to explain this apparent mass insanity. Some postulate that the dueling gods of the time, one was called simply “God” and the other “Money”, were largely to blame. Others speculate that their diet which consisted largely of over processed food rampant with artificial hormones and chemicals led to a complication of the pituitary gland which retarded development of the brain to such extent that fully grown adults behaved like petulant three year olds. Indeed, the statesmen of this time based in the ancient city of Washington D.C. spoke from exalted podiums but their rhetoric was more suited to an infant’s crib.


This text, perhaps more vividly than any other relic that we have discovered seems to shed some light on this apparent mass lunacy which eventually led to their downfall. The book is written in old English and in a long obsolete literary form known as poetry. In fact, most scholars point out that poetry was largely obsolete even at the time the book was written which may help explain why no one at the time ever read it.


The text describes an “after life” of humans who were deceased but somehow lived on only to be judged by some sort of spirit of the Earth. The after life was still a popular concept at this time even though there had never been any credible evidence to support it. In fact, some people were so certain of this afterlife that they would literally strap explosives to themselves and blow themselves up believing that their corpse would be somehow rewarded. Apparently, the fact that these martyrs never came back proved that they were in a better place.


The first text called “The Toilet or Hell” is the place where souls are judged severely for their transgressions against the environment. We know understand that this realm of the undead is based on a popular receptacle for human waste known as the “commode” or the “toilet”. It seems fitting as these toilets were rather inefficient themselves wasting water every time they were used.


In this book, these undead people are literally forced to eat their own shit. In this realm, other living creatures of the Earth who have been subjected to thousands of years of abuse by humans get their revenge. A giant anus caps the sky and fills the realm with feces and flatulent.  Most of the action of the story takes place on a floating turd where there is a perverted reproduction of 21st Century society.


Guiding Dante through this realm is a popular novelist and writer, Edward Abbey. We are not sure why he was chosen other than perhaps he was a writer Dante admired and happened to be dead at the time.


Some scholars believe that the author was influenced by a much more ancient text called The Divine Comedie. This book, written by another Dante (Alighieri), is a science fiction story about undead people wandering about a universe ruled by an insane and hideously cruel god. Scientists point out that the rhythm, the number of verses, and general theme are very similar.


Other scholars, including myself, believe there is no connection between the two works. It must be pointed out that the previous work was written in a different language and does not make any sense.


We will never know why the author chose such an archaic form of communication for this text rather than speaking about the same subject directly. Some scholars point out that, at the time, very few people spoke directly. Indeed, we have transcribed hundreds of speeches made by statesmen of that century that assert nothing other than the person speaking is right. Many scientists now speculate that this inability to have substantial dialogue was yet another cause of their demise.


What is perhaps most striking about this ancient civilization are the great advances they made in science and technology. Their knowledge was advanced enough that they could have avoided disaster if they had chosen to actually apply it, but, sadly, this technology was primarily applied towards trying to satisfy their infantile desires which, of course, could never be satisfied. Sadly, this irresponsibility eventually led to a world very similar to the world of the undead described in “The Toilet”.